Shabby Chic

February is the worst month of the year by far: February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don’t get and it is the host month for Valentine’s Day.

Try to avoid February’s whenever possible.

Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year when unhappily married women don’t envy their Happy Single Friends and their happily single friends are tempted to spend their “shoe money” on a dating service.

VD, a day when even penicillin won’t cure what’s ailing you.

Valentine’s Day is the day when Happy Singles envy something they don’t necessarily even want.

Chorus in the song Valentine’s Day Lament: “What’s wrong with me”.

Chorus in the song I Survived Valentine’s Day: “What was I thinking”.

Valentines Day is like the measles. We all have to go through it and hope we survive. If we don’t scratch the irritation, we’ll have fewer scars. So let’s duck tape mittens to our hands and not scratch.

After all, it may be one “mother” of a long day but it’s only one day.

Suggestions on how to get through it intact:

Avoid restaurants of any kind – let’s face it, this is not the night you want to utter the words : A table for one please”. Don’t do that to yourself.

If you have any single friends you can get together with, get drunk and beat the hell out of a heart-shaped piñata full of chocolates.

If you don’t have any single friends you can get together with, get drunk, pin a picture of your ex’s face on a cupid shaped piñata filled with chocolate and beat the hell out of it.

If you can’t think of anyone you would want to be with given the choice, broaden your horizons – give serious consideration to becoming gay. Then plan to write a book about it, naming all the names of the people that made your “changing teams” so easy.

Install caller ID on your phone and DO NOT talk to anyone who thinks you should be married or involved in a relationship with potential (your disappointed Mother can go for one day without talking to you).

To combat the inclination to go “postal” at work after you have seen the tenth vase of red roses on your co-workers desks, put on one of those sexy black satin sleeping masks. Suggestion: If you are on a budget you might want to consider renting a seeing-eye dog for the day instead of buying yourself roses .

While most celebrate romance on this day try celebrating your life and all the family and friends who love you “just the way you are” and pretend that matters (some alcoholic beverages may be required to pull this off).

Remember all the bad sex you have had.

Flowers don’t judge - buy some for yourself just as a reminder that you don’t need someone else to do it for you (15% of single women do this by the way).

3% of singles buy their pets Valentine’s Day gifts. BAD IDEA. Do you really want to loose the respect of your cat? I for one will not buy a Valentine’s Day gift for my Persian cats. I have not, however, ruled out buying myself flowers and having dinner with them.

If you are a Drama Queen – think of this day as a new episode in your personal soap opera.

If thinking about being dateless on Valentine’s Day hurts, stop doing it.

On February 15^th, to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for next February 14^th. talk to as many women as you can whose significant other or spouse did absolutely nothing for them on Valentine’s Day worth bragging about.

Remember there’s nothing wrong with any of us – it’s just not our day.

In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. “

The fact that the “commercial dating machine” is so damned good at it is unfortunate.

So be pro-choice, choose not to buy into the billion dollar hype.

Most importantly, hold onto your sense of self and your sense of humor.

Get through the day and before you know it your unhappily married friends will be back to envying you.

Till the next time,

Shabby Chic

December 22nd and counting.

So how are y’all doing?

If you are unable to be of good cheer do the best you can not to be homicidal.

Christmas should come with a warning label on it:
“Be aware that for certain individuals Christmas may induce depression, holiday hysteria and feelings of uncontrollable inadequacy. These side effects should not last long,if they do, please consult a competent psychiatrist as soon as possible, assuming you can find one.”

At this time of year people fall into a few very basic categories: the desperately depressed, the panic stricken, the last minute lunatics and the smugly well prepared. I make a point of not associating with people of the last category as I find them to be very annoying. No matter what category you fall into, take heart, this too shall pass.

There are times when accepting the inevitable is the only option open to us. (disclaimer: Although the foregoing sentence may remind some people of another more disturbing saying, ” If rape is inevitable, lie back and enjoy it”, please be assured that Shabby Chic is not implying that dear old Santa is a pedophile or a rapist. That would be too dark even for me.) So, the bottom line is we might as well do what we can to enjoy Christmas as it will find us no matter where we hide.

The good news is that with the price of oil these days, putting a lump of coal in someone’s stocking will be interpreted as a gift of generosity, as opposed to a moral judgment on behavior. Go onto the “I Am a Lame Shopper” website and see if they still have any lumps left. I’m confident that if you click on the Super Lame tab you can print out a gift certificate. That may be your only alternative at this late date. In this day and age of immediate gift gratification, you no doubt will be cast into The Super Lame Hall of Shame but take your lumps, you earned them.

Personally, I fully expect to receive a lump of cellulite in my stocking this year. Through personal experience, I have discovered that Santa can be a real twisted piece of work. Doing this sort of thing to the cynical and lazy citizens of his domain is what keeps him jolly.

Christmas warning!!! Do not, under any circumstance, check out the websites that inform on the number of calories lurking in the traditional Christmas food feast. The people who send us this terrifying caloric data are mean spirited and need to be destroyed. With all the stress of this season, the very least we should be able to do is inhale an enormous number of comfort calories in complete ignorance or denial of the inevitable consequences. Remorse will come later. That’s what New Years Eve is for.

So, Merry Everything Blogger Friends.

Til next time,

Susan, Shabby Chic

Where women are free to be themselves, together.

During this time of year thousands of people suffer from S.A. D (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression, is an affective, or mood disorder. Most SAD sufferers experience normal mental health throughout most of the year, but experience depressive symptoms in the winter or summer. Luckily, there are support groups for sufferers as well as several effective treatments to cure the symptoms.

From Thanksgiving to Christmas I, on the other hand, suffer form S.L.D. (Seasonal Lighting Disorder).

Seasonal Lighting Disorder (SLD), also known as grinchism is a chronic aversion to stringing any form of outdoor lighting on residential structures during the holiday season. There is reason to suspect that most S.L.D. sufferers do not experience normal mental health the rest of the year either. Because people of good cheer find them offensive and depressing, there are no known support groups for these poor depraved souls and no known cure.

I was struck by the late onset of S.L.D. immediately after separating from my husband. Up until that point in my life, decorating my home with lavish good cheer had been the norm. I take no credit for this personally, as it was a direct result of my being surrounded by demanding family members who forced me to do it. God bless them one and all!

When I first moved into my single woman nest four years ago, my incredible neighbor friends, Bart and Lulu, could not help but notice the cheer sucking darkness of my home during the holiday season. They assumed that I was either Jewish (best case), too cheap to pay for the electricity or simply strange. Being people of good cheer and amazingly tolerant of strange women, they befriended me anyway.

Time takes its toll on all of us. They were no exception. Two days ago I ventured out my front door to witness Bart erecting a wire Santa sleigh, complete with the desired reindeer accessory, on my front lawn. “Merry Christmas” he sang out to me.

So this year my grinch of Christmas past has been covered in beautiful white lights and harnessed to Santa’s sleigh. My SLD has been effectively treated – by the kindness of a neighbor.

Thanks to his act of unbridled generosity, I guess I am now more of a Ho than ever. Does he have any idea of what he has done? I doubt it. But, as the angels protect the pure of heart, he will be just fine.

So to my BF’s (blogger friends) I just have this to say,

“Merry Christmas to you all and to you all a good night”

Till next time.

Susan, Shabby Chic

Where women are free to be themselves, together.