DISTINGUISH LOVERS FROM DADS & MOTHERS by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.

If you or a lover react to each other as though you’re a
parent, you might consider this:

Bob Hoffman suggests you developed one of your (or your
lover’) personality facets, the Inner Brat, from your emotional pain
and from adopting parents’ worst traits. If parents didn’t
completely love and accept themselves and others, their
childrencopied this. Parents couldn’t model self-love and
overflowing love to others if their parents, in turn, didn’t model a
totally loving model for them to imprint.

As a child, when you lacked genuine love, you settled for
attention. Hoffman says that whether you deadened yourself
emotionally or developed a “nice” person or rebel facade, you’re
still angry at your parents. You try to hurt your parents by failing,
as though defeating yourself (as they defeated themselves) hurts them
for not giving you unconditional love. You continue self-defeating
behavior because it lets you to vent your childish anger.

Self-defeating behavior is also a desperate plea for their
sympathy and love. Your emotions remain childish, defiant, falsely
compliant or dulled, though your body and intellect continue to
grow. Your adult intelligence may tell you that smoking,
overreacting and pushing people away are self-defeating. Yet you
continue these behaviors because you remain a brat inside, still
copying or rebelling against your parents and their symbolic
substitutes.

When you’re unloving and self-defeating, you express
negative
love you learned from your parents. You can unlearn it. Stop being
a brat still getting even with them. Let your emotional development
catch up with your intellectual and physical development. “Get a
loving divorce from Mother and Dad.”

You achieve a loving divorce when you rise above parents’
negative example and realize they’ll never meet your childish demand
to love you “selflessly, wholeheartedly, and with nothing asked in
return.”
In Hoffman’s system, you prosecute Mom and Dad as you
remember and emote anger for the poor examples they exhibited and
wrongs they did you. You next put yourself in their places and
understand how the negative attitudes their parents gave them
conditioned them to imprint your negativities. You then experience
deep compassion, forgiveness and love toward your parents.

You copied some of your parents traits (by “parents,” I
designate the older folks in charge of you as you grew up–whether
biological, adopted or other). You probably love some traits you
copied–maybe Mom’s manners or Dad’s humor.

You could also have copied traits you’d like to change. If
so, try the rites in this section. Explore your mother’s model, then
father’s. Then reprogram yourself and you’ll love and forgive your
parents and yourself. You’ll leave your parents’ limits behind.
This model may, of course, help you understand why your lovers may
treat you like a parent, and you could discuss Hoffman’s model with
them.

Mend Mom’s Mistakes When You Mate

Hoffman suggests that one of your personality facets, your
Inner Brat, developed from your emotional pain and from adopting your
parents’ worst traits. If Mom did not completely love and accept
themselves and others, you copied this. If she couldn’t model self-
love and overflowing love to others if her parents, in turn, didn’t
model it. If that’s the case, when you’re unloving and self-
defeating, you express negative love, some of which you adopted from
her.

Stop getting even with Mom. Lovingly divorce her, rise above
her negative example, realize she’ll never meet your childish demand
to love you with nothing asked in return. First prosecute Mom: you
emote anger for her example and for wrongs she did you. Then you put
yourself in her place. You get how she was molded into giving you
negative attitudes by her parents’ attitudes. Then you then
experience deep compassion, forgiveness and love toward your mother.

Delete Dad’s Defects in Your Love Life

Hoffman says that if Dad didn’t completely love and accept
himself and others, you copied this. Divorce Dad, rise above his
negativies; realize he’ll never love you unconditionally. You express
anger, then you put yourself in his place and feel how his parents
imprinted him to imprint you. Finally, you forgive him and tell him
you love him.

[Based on Hoffman, B., Getting Divorced From Mother and Dad, New
York: Dutton, 1976.]

We all know that the lunar cycle effects our menstrual cycle. Women’s monthly tidings have been guided by the moon since we have been women and the moon has been a moon. In many cultures, this is part of the reason the moon represents the goddess or feminine energy. Women often fall into two categories, full moon or new moon cycles. With the prevalence of hormonal birth control and our disassociation from the natural world, women are less tied to their lunar calendar and more tied to their scheduler on their blackberry. Actually, we can even choose not to have a period at all, forget the moon just don’t forget the pill!

The connection surrounding the moon is not isolated to our cycles. Women are more fertile during certain times of the lunar cycle. Hospitals report higher numbers of women going into labor during full moons, as well as mentally ill people acting up more than normal…hence the phrase lunacy.

Whether or not you have an awareness of your cycle in relation to the moon, I notice that women are often affected by her pull. I know for me, though I am part of the hormonally regulated masses, that when I am off my full moon tenancies, that my body will feel like I am premenstrual during the full moon, even when I am not.

Tonights full moon is a little different. Tonight is the last lunar eclipse for the next three years. If you are on the east coast go outside at about 10:30 and the moon should be orange! Beautiful! Anyway, so beyond this amazing astronomical phenomenon, I have been wondering if an eclipse effects our hormones more than a simple full moon?

In my message boards and among my friends I have noticed a higher number of women complaining about PMS. They are saying that they are more hormonal than normal. I am not in my cycle, but am feeling the effects of PMS. I just chalked it up to my personal lunar sensitivity. But maybe the eclipse effects us. Maybe the eclipse makes us a little more sensitive. I have also been reading about a lot of women talking about spotting around eclipses, longer lasting periods, longer PMS, hormonal cycles feeling like they are lasting for 40 days, etc. Though no one source says this is because of the eclipse, and people are quick to try to explain it away, I believe there is a direct correlation.

I find this connection to be incredible. In a time when we are so often disconnected from the natural world, when people stand up for going green yet central park is the wilderness, when a squirrel is a wild animal, that we can still have an uncontrollable biological connection to nature. Some people think that this is sexist to say that women become more sensitive during PMS and that we are affected by something like the moon. I don’t think it is sexist. I think it is amazing. It shows a deeper connection to the whole. Why is feeling MORE a disadvantage? Though I am not throwing my Midol out the window, I do believe that we should embrace our periods and our connection to nature and other women, it is a universal connection that every woman around the world can understand.

Here is a link to a blog talking about this effect. There are also a lot of comments from women speaking to their experience with menstruation and the moon.

Are you affected?

February is the worst month of the year by far: February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don’t get and it is the host month for Valentine’s Day.

Try to avoid February’s whenever possible.

Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year when unhappily married women don’t envy their Happy Single Friends and their happily single friends are tempted to spend their “shoe money” on a dating service.

VD, a day when even penicillin won’t cure what’s ailing you.

Valentine’s Day is the day when Happy Singles envy something they don’t necessarily even want.

Chorus in the song Valentine’s Day Lament: “What’s wrong with me”.

Chorus in the song I Survived Valentine’s Day: “What was I thinking”.

Valentines Day is like the measles. We all have to go through it and hope we survive. If we don’t scratch the irritation, we’ll have fewer scars. So let’s duck tape mittens to our hands and not scratch.

After all, it may be one “mother” of a long day but it’s only one day.

Suggestions on how to get through it intact: read on