Requiem for a Cigarette
Again I dreamt that I was smoking.
I was sitting in the sunroom, though it is night, so there is no sunlight. I was half sitting, half lying on the bed, propped up by my elbow. A beautiful woman was lying in the same position, facing me. Dave was sitting on the chair next to the desk, facing us. The beautiful woman’s hair kept changing from brunette to blond and back again. Though her real self was hiding somewhere in between. She was smoking elegant cigarettes. They were long with gold filters and paper the color of coffee with a splash of Baileys.
Every time, before she lit the cigarette, you could see the rich brown tobacco hidden inside. It looked like dark chocolate and had a rich aroma of a humidor. I was transfixed as she lit her cigarette, watching the flame go into it, then seeing the rich brown of the tobacco turn into a bright orange red ember.
She had a small mouth with pouty lips. When she inhaled it was like she was giving a kiss. When she exhaled the smoke curled out of her lips.
She was elegant, beautiful and poised. I wanted to feel connected to her. I wanted to cross the chasm that separated us. I made the first move.
I reached out to her, but stopped just shy of her hands. She looked at me, intrigued, and slipped the cigarette between my fingers. The whole time she was staring deeply into my eyes. She never broke eye contact; neither did I.
I leaned forward and cocked my head. Bringing the cigarette to my lips, I opened them just enough to hold the gold filter. I closed my eyes and inhaled. I felt the warm smoke fill my lungs. For a moment it was satisfying, fulfilling, embodying and then it wasn’t. Then it was burning and choking. My heart was racing, and not because she was reaching out for me. I gave the cigarette back to her, trying not to let my eye’s show what my body was experiencing. I didn’t want her to go. She smiled with half her mouth and took another drag.
Now Dave came over and sat by her legs, running his hand up the side of her leg, in an obvious familiarity. I was not upset, I wanted to be included. He took the cigarette from her hand and took a drag while winking at her. There was something shared between them that I did not yet know. I wanted to know.
He looked at me, with the same penetrating eyes, and held the cigarette to my mouth. I leaned forward and took a drag while he held onto it. My heart began to palpitate and I felt sick.
I realized that with every drag I could feel less and less of what was going on. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to be enveloped by them, but knew that I would not be able to feel it. I wondered if they could feel anything. Maybe that was their intimacy, a drugged numbness.
When I woke up, I felt strange. My body felt strange. I had to question myself, did I smoke? No, I did not. But my body was mad at me none the less. What I did realize is how contradictory are my perceptions of smoking. On one side I am extremely glad I quit, but on the other I still see it as elegant and sexy. It is somehow a club that I use to be a part of and no longer am. Interestingly though, I am a month non-smoker, and I no longer have cravings at all.
I am glad that I have nightmares about smoking, it reaffirms my desire and resolve to be free of the drug.
In the list below I can attest to increased lung function, ability to walk easier, coughing decreases, mucus production decreases. I have not experienced an increase in taste or smell, but maybe I didn’t smoke enough for that. My skin has cleared up. My sex drive has increased. My enjoyment of sex has increased. In general, I find that I am more tactically aware. I just feel more things.
This is what happens to your body when you stop smoking
20 Minutes
Blood Pressure drops to normal.
Body temperature of hands and feet increases to normal.
Pulse rate drops to normal.
8 hours
Carbon monoxide level in blood drops to normal.
Oxygen level in blood increases to normal.
24 Hours
Chances of a heart attack decreases.
48 Hours
Nerve endings start regrowing.
Ability to smell and taste is enhanced.
2 Weeks to 3 Months
Circulation improves.
Walking becomes easier.
Lung function increases up to 30%.
1 to 9 Months
Coughing, sinus congestion, fatigue, shortness of breath decreases.
Cilia regrows in your lungs, increasing your ability to handle
mucus to clean the lungs, and reduce infection.
Body’s overall energy increases.
1 Year
Excess risk of heart disease is half that of a smoker.
5 Years
Lung cancer death rate for the average smoker
(one pack per day) decreases by almost half.
Stroke risk is reduced to that of a non-smoker 5-15 years after stopping.
Risk of cancer of the mouth, throat and esophagus is half that of a non-smoker’s.
10 Years
Lung cancer death rate similar to that of a nonsmoker.
Precancerous cells are replaced.
Risk of cancer of the mouth, throat and
esophagus, bladder, kidney and pancreas decreases.
15 Years
Risk of coronary heart disease is that of a nonsmoker.
Creative Writing, Just Living |3 Responses to “Requiem for a Cigarette”
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I’ll say!
What a wicked dream!!! It was like the evil was reaching out for you in all of its’ seductive ways. Keep up the good work with being smoke free. I have never smoked, but I hear that sometimes a person, who has been smoke free for sometime, will have a strong craving trigger tripped by an event or something traumatic. Keep an eye out for that!
Great post!
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